Melodies, lyrics, rhythm, beats and vibrations fill my head with magic. Music has always been my jam, my go to, my thing that takes me to another place in my head. We all have music in our lives in one way or the other. Music can be many things to a lot of us. Music chemically has been known to decrease anxiety, stress, anger, mood swings, improve sleep, decrease blood pressure and even helps with memory skills. Many studies have shown that music can even keep your brain a little younger. I like that one the best, I mean who doesn’t want to stay young. When I worked with the elderly and utilized music in my therapy groups well all I can say is their faces came alive. The memories of years gone bye came rushing back to them. The most rewarding part was when they would share their memories with the group. Music is therapy at any age, place or time.
A good way to utilize the music in your life is as a tool. I talk a lot about your coping skills tool box. You know those things you pull out to get you through challenging times or even moments. It’s not just about listening to music and the beats. It’s taking music and making it your own. Writing music lyrics during hard times or good times are how some of the most played songs evolved. The emotions that come out of writing can be so powerful and putting them into lyrics of a song even more empowering. Many of us sometimes listen to music to remind us of loved ones we have lost or a moment in time. The song can just bring back all of the sights and sounds of a person or a time. Tears can flow when listening to many song and this release can be so therapeutic to help you deal with stress, anxiety and depression.
This is where My Journey of having a hysterectomy begins. Many of you may not be able to relate to this but we all have had things that have changed our lives dramatically. I would like you to think of those times in your life to understand my struggles and how I had to bring myself back from a very dark place. I am still struggling but have now gained insight and a handle on my emotions.
My Journey, started out with intense pain that grew over a three day period of time. I was not a stranger to female discomfort but this was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I reached out to my Doctor who is also my friend. Her recommendation was to go to the ER. To make my Emergency Room visit short they did all kinds of tests on me and discharged me with the diagnosis of a Dermoid Cyst on my ovary. I was happy I was discharged because believe it or not my daughter’s birthday party was that night. I made it through her party and texted my Dr. again. I was still in intense pain even with pain killers. She told me to go back to the Emergency Room to be admitted for pain management and surgery. I listened and back to the ER I went. Unfortunately, being admitted was just a long process. I was waiting for a hospital room. My memories of this time are of me moaning and groaning in pain. Leaning over the bed to alleviate my pain. My blood pressure was through the roof and the nurse kept freaking me out about it. I even took a picture of myself during this time and to say the least you could see the pain in my eyes. Finally, after four hours of waiting I was brought to my room. I was relieved that I had a private room. I just remember telling the nurses bring on the morphine. I just wanted relief from the pain. I didn’t have my surgery until three days later because it was the weekend and they needed a full staff to do the robotic surgery. Apparently, the robotic surgery makes the recovery time much easier. Many tests were done on me especially drawing my blood and taking my blood pressure a million times. Every time I began to fall asleep they were back in my room poking at me. Honestly, the staff was wonderful for the most part. One early morning at three I was woken up for a special blood test that had to be sent out to another lab. Of course this made me crazy because why did it need a special lab? The late night change of shift was about to happen with the day shift. Unfortunately, I could hear the nurse giving a report to the new nurse saying they took a tumor marker blood test to see if there is cancer and that they felt the cyst might be cancer. There truly are no words to express what was going on in my head. My kids, my family, my friends and my life. I will be honest many tears were shed in that hospital room. Not to mention this was during a global pandemic so I could only have one visitor and only once a day for an hour. I didn’t want to talk to others so I did a lot of texting. Since my Dr. is my friend I did get a lot of extra emotional care from her and she was very honest and caring with me. Her partner who I also have seen as a patient before wanted an extremely well recommended Oncologist to perform my surgery. She was great and even called me a VIP patient. Some how that made me feel better but I am not sure why. The surgery was explained to me and it was recommended that I have a total hysterectomy. Honestly, I was a little shocked at first but I would do whatever they recommended. The thought process was that they didn’t want to regret in the future that they didn’t take everything. Translation that if cancer would rear its ugly head in the future it would have been a mistake not to take everything. The decision was easy of course I wanted to avoid cancer in the future. I didn’t google anything because well I honestly hadn’t thought about it. I just wanted the pain to go away.
Surgery day finally came but unfortunately it was on my daughter’s 24th Birthday. Not a very happy day for her or me. She made a comment that did make me smile though she said, “On the same day you gave birth to me you are having all of your female parts removed.” I mean come on there is some kind of poetry in that thought. They wheel me into the pre-op room. Honestly, I was unusually calm. The thought in my head was that I was all alone. These are the moments in life where you have to dig really really deep. Take a deep breath and say to yourself that you are strong and that you can do this. The nurse says to me,”It’s now time for the good stuff.” The next thing I remember is everyone over me and moving things around. The nurse says to me, “It’s over you are all done!” I remember thinking, “what? ok I made it.” I then heard a soft voice whisper in my ear, “It’s all ok now babe.” I knew at that moment it was my Dad’s voice from the eternal telling me you are good. This was the first time in my life that my Dad was no longer here for me in a difficult time in my life. So hearing his voice was so comforting to me.
This is really where the hardest part of this life altering event takes place. The surgery was really just the beginning. Recovery, was truly a bitch. The pain was extremely intense and I had to drug myself up just to get through the first few days. Forget about sitting up that took a lot of strength and effort. My husband was a real warrior and helped me through everything. I remember him saying to me, “I am so proud of you.” I asked him why with what I can imagine was a puzzled look on my face. He said, “How you have handled all of this.” It really did make me feel good but what he didn’t realize is that there was an emotional trauma happening inside of me.
This is where music comes into the picture. Yes, I am finally am going to talk about why Music is my Jam. I never imagined how traumatic a hysterectomy would hit me emotionally, I wish I could give you a good picture but all I can say is I feel less of a women. My entire reproductive system is gone. I know realistically I didn’t need it anymore because I have my two beautiful daughters. You see it was a whole lot more than that. I lost my identity as a female and I was completely shocked this is how I was feeling. I truly never expected to feel this way. I would look in the mirror and say to myself, “Who are you?” “Where is that girl that used to look back at you?” “I don’t feel whole anymore.” I still feel this way in a lot of ways even right now. I began to read articles and follow a group on Facebook to see how other women were feeling. I felt so lost and not in touch with myself anymore. I remember telling a friend who is a therapist that, “I will never be the same again.” She questioned me about why I would say that. At that time I really had no answers for her. I still have minimal answers for her. I have realized that I am on a new Journey. I almost feel androgynous in my own skin. I mean all of my femininity was in a bio-medical waste container. The good news is that my biopsy came back negative, there was no cancer. I was relieved but still numb. Where did I go? I felt so out of touch with everything.
I was relieved when I hit the finish line of my eight weeks of recovery. This meant that I could get back into some of my daily routines. The struggle was real because I truly wasn’t myself physically and emotionally. The one thing that made me feel like my old self was the music. Listening to songs that I loved before really helped me get in touch with my previous self prior to surgery. Ed Sheeran, Pink, Lady Gaga, Tom Petty and so many more artists. They gave me glimpses of myself. I grabbed on to those feelings and embraced them.
I am four months post operation today and I still have my struggles adjusting to my new body physically and emotionally. In Season one and two of Wide Open Space with Ilise I talk about how every year I would like my listeners to pick their own new theme song. Season three has been launched and it is time to pick your theme song. What I love about picking your own theme song is that it really makes you look retrospectively inside yourself. To identify a song that really represents you and where you are in your life at this time. What is your theme song for this new Season of Wide Open Spaces with Ilise? Take the time to really pick a song that hits you deep in your core and maybe a little motivational. I have chosen to repeat my theme song from last year. I don’t feel that I am done with that theme of my life yet.
My theme song is “All I know so far.” by Pink. The lyrics really tap into the turmoil that I am feeling inside myself but reminds me that I can pull myself out of this confusing time on a daily basis one day at a time. Some of the lyrics go,”And when the storms out, you run in the rain. Put your sword down, dive right into the pain. Stay unfiltered and loud, you’ll be proud of that skin full of scars. That’s all I know so far. That’s all I know so far.” Pink!
Check out the full lyrics if you are not familiar with this song. This is my theme song and my therapeutic tool that I use on a daily basis. I use this coping skill of music every morning before I start my day. I pop in my earbuds and I listen to Pink’s “All I Know so Far” every morning. I actually go outside look up at the sun with my eyes closed. I feel the sun on my face and I sing out loud my theme song. The strength it gives me to conquer the day is unmeasurable. “All I know so Far.” is that I use this song as a form of daily music therapy.
Now it is your turn to identify your theme song. Life is unexpected and can be very traumatic but through the use of music we can all find the sun light again. Pop in your earbuds, go outside, look up at the sun with your eyes closed and sing out loud your theme song. Trust me you will feel liberated and ready to conquer the day just a little bit easier. Just like I did before I started to write this blog. It has taken me four months to have the strength to share my experiences with my readers and podcast listeners. I hope that through the window I have given you into my struggles it will help you along your own personal journey.
To my hysterectomy sisters we will all get through this, a little different but none the less stronger. Check out some online support groups even if you just read but chose not participate in the discussions. It’s still a form of support and a way to know you are not alone. It’s all I know so far in my personal Journey of having a total Hysterectomy.
POSITIVE THOUGHT ALWAYS CREATE POSITIVE ENERGY
GO OUT AND EXPLORE ALL OF THE WIDE OPEN SPACES IN YOUR WORLD
MAY IS MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH
Thank you Pink! for giving me the songs of my life and helping me get through my tough times.
CIAO
Ilise
