All is Merry and Bright, so the songs say during the Holiday Season. Tinsel, garland, trees, menorahs, green and red, blue and white, gift giving and receiving, holiday cards and oh let’s not forget all of the Holiday Parties. Whoooosh, that was truly a mouthful. This time of year renders a time of warmth and excitement, but does it really for everyone? There are millions of people that during this time of year it elevates the fact that they have lost loved ones in their lives. My Nana passed away years ago right around Thanksgiving and I remember vividly how different that Thanksgiving was that year. Each year around Thanksgiving these thoughts and emotions come to the surface. I also have all of my memories with my Dad, Grandparents and all of the others that I have lost in my life during this time of year.
I often utilize the mantra that “Life in Unexpected”. There are times where we just have to accept that the Unexpected things in Life are truly out of our control from happening. “Life Unexpected”, just occurred in my family right after Hannukkah, one week before Christmas and two weeks before New Years Eve, like I said, “Life Unexpected”. We received that dreaded 3 AM unexpected call from a loved one that someone passed away. This call was the call that my Father-in-law passed away. If any of you have experienced this before I probably just gave you a flashback to that moment. I am sorry for that but reality can be so painful. I guess you could say that my husband and I were fortunate to have just visited him in 1 1/2 weeks prior to his passing. I have to say yes and no to that statement. When we saw him we had no idea that this would be the last time we would see him forever. I think it makes it so hard for my mind to process because I just had such a wonderful visit with him and now I must hold on to the memories.
As a therapist I have worked with clients over the years dealing with their Grief during the Holidays. I now am in the midst of this grieving myself. I sit here writing to you my friends as a way to cope with my grief, to learn from my past experiences and to connect with others that are Grieving. I truly believe that we need to create a balance between Grieving and experiencing the holidays. My friends we talk often about Reframing our Thought Processes. I feel this is the time that was made for reframing your thought process or Cognitive Reframing, while in the midst of Grief. CBT(Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is a form of therapy that works on replacing negative thoughts of grief, trauma and other life altering experiences. This process of turning the negative thoughts around into positive thoughts is a way for you to cope with grief. anxiety, depression and all types of pain.
I will always recommend one to seek out professional help during these life struggles but that doesn’t mean that you can’t work on this yourself in conjunction with Professional help. The is so powerful and so are grieving thoughts. I will not deceive you, this is a difficult path to follow and I personally am in the midst of it. Let me share some ways that I have been Reframing my Thoughts during this difficult time. Being with loved ones can be so comforting and this is where you should start. Last night my girls, my mom and I all sat down for a marathon viewing of the Sound of Music. We made sure that the subtitles were on so that we could sing along to all of the fun melodies. We had cozy blankets on, our favorite homemade cookies and we were all together. The magic occurs when you realize that you are laughing, singing, making jokes and actually having fun. First, you think how awful am I to be laughing when my loved one just passed away? The logical side of you begins to realize that you are learning how to cope with the loss during the Holiday Season. The chemical reaction of creating endorphins flowing into our body is giving our brain a short respite from the Grief. Maybe, you even tell yourself that if your loved one was watching from above they would have a smile on their face knowing we all were together supporting each other this way. This is how I began to Reframe my thought process and allowed myself to laugh and smile as well.
It is very easy to stuff your feelings but Reframing Your Thought Process is different. The process is not about ignoring your feelings but it’s about looking at the grief in a different light. There must always be time set aside to feel, cry and just feel sad. Set time aside to nurture yourself and allow yourself to have enjoyment. Reframe how you spend your time and maybe even create some diversions for yourself. It is fine to give yourself permission to look at Grief differently for some time. Distract from the situation and the planning of funerals and services by Behaviorally changing your thoughts. Envelope yourself with people who are close to you, that you can feel comfortable to cry and laugh with all at the same time. The loss of a loved one is painful, but with the Holidays at hand, it just adds salt to the wound. Create a list of things that you promise you will accomplish as a form of self-care, including Reframing how you look at this loss and the holidays.
If your loved one has passed sometime ago that doesn’t make the Holidays any easier for you as well. In this area you can preplan for the emotions and feelings that you might have during this time. When the sadness hits you of the loss, utilize your coping skills to Reframe your thoughts and behaviors to decrease anxiety, stress and depression. I understand that this is not an easy task, I am living it right now as we speak. Sometimes, we have to stop ourselves from spinning out of control and take hold of the situation. It might be as simple as leaving your environment to take a walk alone. You may feel the need to listen to past voicemails of your loved ones who have passed. Reframe your thoughts and use a technique to distract you from this urge. Remember, we are trying to deal with Grief in this area by giving our brain and emotions a break from the loss. I want to be clear here, this is not about avoidance of the loss. It’s about compartmentalizing it for a short time to release the Endorphins, Serotonin and other mood lifting hormones during these trying times. By Reframing your thoughts to a mood lifting thought pattern or activity, you are accomplishing this goal.
Unfortunately, there is no Grief Handbook because we are all unique and different in how we handle loss. You must internalize what is best for you and how you can cope during the holidays with your grief. Our loved ones will always be there through the sound of their voice in our heads, photos we have taken, memories we have made and even lessons learned from them. Celebrate their lives by living yours and making sure that you remember to take care of your Number One, YOU!
POSITIVE THOUGHTS CREATE POSITIVE ENERGY
GO OUT AND EXPLORE ALL OF THE WIDE OPEN SPACES IN YOUR WORLD
CIAO,
ILISE
