I am not going to lie but I am struggling. I am going through one of the hardest Transitions a parent can go through. I am going to become an Empty Nester. My youngest is leaving for college very soon. Believe me I totally understand that this is a right of passage for a parent. I also realize that this is what my goal has been since the day she was born. We bring a child into the world and we nurture, protect, care for and guide them towards their future. I totally realize that this is what I have been working for since her birth. This does not make this type of Transition easier. I Know, I Know, this is my time to let her fly and spread her wings. I get it, I truly get it! It still sucks for me! The word Transition has been stuck in my head all summer as the move in date gets closer. My way of coping was to live in the moment. Not to obsess or focus too much on college starting. We spent many days hanging out together and a wonderful family vacation. I was really proud of myself. I really did live in the moment and marked every experience, laugh, smile, argument and selfie in my memory bank. I put them in a secure place so that when I feel the tears in my eyes I can revert to the wonderful summer we had together. The reality started on the 11th day countdown to move in day. The big Transition is getting closer and I need to be ready for this.
According to Miriam Webster the definition for a Transition is: (to make a change or shift from one state, subject, place, etc. to another.) My question for you is, Are You Going Through a Transition in your life? I wish I could tell you that I have all the answers on the best way to Cope with a Transition. I can only give you suggestions that I know therapeutically are sound and coping skills that I have used personally. It really is a form of trial and error to see which coping mechanism works best for you. Some big Transitions can be a move, a relationship change, new job, becoming a parent, loss, a new pet, empty nester, divorce and many other Transitions.
Having a plan in place for when you are hit by those unexpected emotions is a great place to start. When my first child went to college I became emotional almost everyday for the first few months they were away. I had to create a daily coping mechanism that I could utilize when I felt the water works starting from my eyes. I realized I now had some more time on my hands so I created some Me Time each day. Obviously, Me Time is a very personal thing for each individual. My strategy was to pop my earbuds in and play music that I knew would distract me from my sadness at that moment. The hardest time during a Transition is when you have down time because your mind will focus more on the issues. I am not talking about avoiding your Transition but everyone’s brain needs a break and taking a little time out can be very therapeutic.
Lists are always a great tool to have at your fingertips. I have found that when you are overwhelmed with feelings sometimes we forget ourselves and become immobilized. If you have a coping skills list that you can pull up on your smartphone this will help redirect your brain towards a healthy mindset. There are always stages of a Transition, just like grief has stages. William Bridges in the 1970’s created a model for the stages of a Transition. These three stages are Endings, Neutral Zone and New Beginnings. This is a great way for you to understand and acknowledge the stage you will go through during a Transition of life. 1. Endings are coming to terms with the fact and idea that something in your life is coming to an end, close or change in a monumental way. This is where the sadness tends to come in as we first begin to realize that we have to accept a change. The best way to cope with the Endings is to allow yourself to be emotional. Stuffing your feelings is like a volcano. When you hold things in the pressure begins to increase and eventually you will breakdown. To avoid this build up you must let your feelings flow and allow yourself to feel the sadness for some time. 2. Neutral Zone is the stage where you have now acknowledged the Endings and you are in that stage between an ending and a new start. This is the place where you might feel Empty. Like there is a gap in your life that needs to be filled. This period can be exciting if you allow yourself to be creative with your neutral time and explore life. The Neutral time will be a place of ups and downs as you start to allow yourself to think about the future. Be gentle with yourself and tell yourself that it is ok to be feeling this rollercoaster of ups and down. Look for new and innovative ways to fill your neutral time to help you cope. 3. New Beginnings just sounds a little exciting to me. This is the stage where you are ready to move forward and create a new life for yourself. I often hear my friends who are about to become Empty Nesters that they are very excited for the New Beginnings Phase of life. Understandable there now is a sense of freedom associated with not having your kids home anymore. I currently have a space for that in my brain; however, I also know that I must move through the stages of Transition.
It is important that you move through all three stages of Transition to ensure that you are adapting and processing how your life is going to change. The brain does not do well with shock so by going through the stages and allowing yourself to feel, you will be able to cope and create a healthier mindset for yourself as you move forward with your life. Many of us like to take shortcuts in life but this will lead to setting yourself up for a crash in the future. We have to allow ourselves to feel, grow, experience and learn through our Transitions. Remember to breath, take me time and acknowledge the way your life is changing. Once you move through the stages you will start to feel that sense of excitement about the future. Empty Nesters begin to experience this as time moves on and their brains have accepted the children’s growth and adulthood. There becomes a sense of rebirth. Creating a new you as an individual, new hobbies, career moves, freedom to travel and a look to the future where you can focus more on your own personal needs. I think this sounds pretty good to me. All transitions will eventually move to this phase even grief and loss. Things may be different and you will always miss your old life but the future can be positive if you allow yourself to feel, cope and grow through the changes of life.
As for me becoming an Empty Nester, I will have to keep you posted. I intend to chronicle my experiences and all of the emotional feelings I may go through. I can’t lie, I am just a little excited about the New Beginning phase but I know there will be tears and emptiness along the way to getting there. Follow me as I go through the Transition of becoming an Empty Nester and maybe we can help each other through our own individual life experiences.
POSITIVE THOUGHTS CREATE POSITIVE ENERGY
GO OUT AND EXPLORE ALL OF THE WIDE OPEN SPACES IN YOUR WORLD
CIAO
Ilise
