Letting Go or Breaking Up is hard to do. We have all walked this difficult and trying path before. It might look very different for each of us, nevertheless still painful. Letting Go falls into many categories; “Loss of a loved one, relationship breakup, ending of a friendship, getting fired from a job, divorce, Empty Nest, trauma, Illness, moving.” I am sure that I am missing some things that are categorized as Loss. Losing someone or something can be a big shock to your entire make up. For some Loss can make their whole world begin to spin out of control. That out of control feeling can lead to dysfunction, anxiety, anger, sadness, depression, poor boundaries and pain. In Ed Sheeran’s new album Subtraction the song Life Goes On states, “easy come, easy go then life goes on.” I let out a great big sigh as I type this. If you look up the lyrics to this song you will realize the picture he paints is that ,Letting Go is twisted and enormous.
Personally, I have lived many of the Letting Go Categories. Currently, I am in the Empty Nester phase of life. The first thing that comes to my mind is gosh I feel old.l Ask any parent who has hit this pinnacle of life, they will say I don’t know how I got here. Don’t blink because the precious years of childhood slips away between your fingers. Yada Yada Yada, I know it is a part of life. Grief, divorce, breakups, illnesses etc. are all part of life. Hell, that doesn’t make it any easier. Ok I am done, I will just wallow in my loss and grief. Stop! If your brain is going in this direction put a pause on it or a thought stopper. Most things in life take work and so does loss and Letting Go.
Boundaries in your life become an asset and a coping mechanism. The definition of Boundaries according to Study.com are, “the idea or existence of some border(physical or intangible) between things.” The APA Dictionary of Psychology, “a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group of realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.” Boundaries all wrapped up in a pretty little gift for you. Boundaries are one of the hardest self awareness skills to work on. Our impulsive behaviors tend to sabotage keeping Healthy Boundaries in relationships, loss and groups. Identify some of your Sabotaging behaviors that lend to developing UnHealthy Boundaries in your life. Let’s make today a starting point for you to create Healthy Boundaries.
Boundaries in your life can be physical or an imaginary boundary that you internalize inside your mind. I want you to repeat to yourself,”I am strong and I can do this.” A divorce or a breakup can be volatile and very depressing. You might find yourself wanting to throw something at your ex, showing up at their home or calling them constantly. I would say these are all unhealthy coping mechanisms. The remedy for your behaviors is Setting Boundaries. Boundaries in this life challenge might look like: having a friend that you can call whenever you start to find yourself wanting to cross that Unhealthy Boundary.. Place sticky notes around your house and work place that encourage you to maintain that Healthy Boundary with your ex. We must train our brains that this individual is no longer healthy to have in our lives. This will aid you in creating a healthy distance and appropriate interactions with these individuals.
Grief is so personal and painful. Boundaries come into play with this difficult time in your life as well. We all know how helpful our friends and loved ones want to be when we are experiencing Grief. The Boundary is about being honest with them. You want alone time, you don’t want people sending food, people calling you all the time is creating anxiety or you are not ready to process it with them. I find the best Boundary here is by just being honest. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. This is about what you need not what they feel they need to do for you. Open your mouth and let the words come out, “Thank you but I just need time alone, please don’t send food to me and honestly too many people over my house right now is causing me anxiety.” This lets them know that you are setting some rules as you move on with your grief and loss.
Next weeks blog I will be discussing Empty Nest Syndrom and how I am working on my Personal Boundaries in this stage of my life. Boundaries are learned behaviors and they become building blocks in your brain. Retention in your brain will aid you to jump into action when you experience a situation that requires Healthy Boundaries.. Learned behaviors that are consistently practiced become part of your makeup. Pick an object that you can hold when you feel yourself going down the rabbit hole of maintaining Poor Boundaries. I love to use a worry stone that I purchased recently. I keep this worry stone with me so that when I feel myself slipping backwards, I hold onto it as a reminder to breathe and think before I act. This is just the beginning of how I am coping with becoming an Empty Nester. Boundaries are what is going to get me through the tough days that I might experience with feeling empty.
I want you to tell yourself, “You are strong, you can get through this stage of Loss in your life.” Finding your internal strength is hard because sometimes it lies deep down inside of you. Life changes may warrant you to dig deep and begin to utilize your power to create Healthy Boundaries in yourself. Boundaries are not you being rude but rather you standing up for yourself and protecting your relationships and your internal struggles.
Don’t forget to tell yourself,
YOU ARE STRONG
YOU ARE WORTH IT
YOU CAN DO THIS
YOUR POWER COMES FROM WITHIN
I CAN STAND UP FOR MYSELF
I CAN HANDLE THIS
I CAN TELL OTHERS HOW I FEEL
I AM MY OWN SUPER HERO
I WILL GET THROUGH THIS
LIFE IS A LEARNING LESSON
I AM OK
These are the mantras and building blocks to self preservation and maintaining Healthy Boundaries with others and ourselves. The challenge is on! Create Healthy Boundaries in your life NOW!
POSITIVE THOUGHTS CREATE POSITIVE ENERGY
GO OUT AND EXPLORE ALL OF THE WIDE OPEN SPACES IN YOUR LIFE
CIAO
Ilise