Vampires will play with your mind and your heart. They will suck you dry.
I’ve made some real big mistakes
But you make the worst one look fine
I should’ve known it was strange
You only come out at night
I used to think I was smart
but you made me look so naive
The way you sold me for parts
As you sunk your teeth into me, oh
Bloodsucker, famef**ker
Bleedin’ me dry, like a g*ddamn vampire
OLIVIA RODRIGO
source:Musixmatch
The mythological Vampire that lives in Transylvania has been a tale told through time. We have the famous Dracula stories, Vampire Diaries, Interview with a vampire and my favorite read the Twilight Series. The main theme throughout is that Vampires “Suck the life out of YOU!” Olivia Rodrigo’s hit song “Vampire” is referring to a relationship where the individual took advantage of her naivete’ and sucked her dry emotionally. The Vampire metaphor can be used in Toxic Relationships, Clingy People, Intrusive People, Controlling Personalities and individuals with an unhealthy mindset. Come on, you all know that you have had a Vampire in your life at one time in your existence.
Ok, let’s reminisce for a moment. Think back to the time you might have had a controlling significant other, a friendship that required a massive amount of your time, individuals who are constantly needy of your attention. You know, that person who constantly calls, messages, snaps or texts you incessantly. Ahhhh, that Vampire is finally being recognized in your life or in the past. Let’s be real, the Vampire in your life might just be your job, kids, significant other, friends or family members. This is why setting boundaries with toxic individuals can be hard or complicated to end your relationship with them. I know you just took a big sigh if this hit home with you.
Toxic personalities can literally drain you of all of your energy. So the big question is how to you handle a Vampire? I have had two types of Vampires in my life. Let’s talk about the first Vampire that sucks me dry and maybe you can relate. In my reality being a therapist opens up the door to many Vampires that I come across. It’s those people in your life who know you are a good listener, you have great advice and you help them to create a plan in their lives. I have had an abundance of people throughout the years who fall into this category because I am a therapist. I used to joke, “If I charged for all of the calls I get for basically free therapy, well I would be wealthy.” Let me first say for the people in my life that we have a give and take relationship, I am always there for them. I am referring more to the people in our lives who take up our time when they need help, advice or a shoulder to cry on but do not reciprocate the lending ear or friendship. It’s those times where you feel like you only hear from them when they are struggling but they never reach out to you to see how you are doing in this life. I find these are the first type of Vampires we come across in our own personal worlds.
Let me share a personal story of mine: I had an acquaintance, one of those friends you meet through a friend or maybe one of your Mommy and Me groups. I hadn’t heard from this person in months. I was happy when they texted and asked if I was available to talk. It was nice to hear her voice and the pleasantries, until she asked me how to handle her spouse that she was about to ask for a divorce. My immediate reaction is to help her through this difficult time. We talked for about an hour and then I never heard from her again other then Social Media likes and comments. I might sound like I am singling out this individual but she is one of many that has sucked me dry. This type of Vampire is very easy for me to set healthy boundaries with. I make a mental note to remind me when they reach out in a year from now, “Ilise, if you answer know their intentions from the beginning or just don’t answer them and then I am setting a healthy boundary with them.
Let’s move into the person that is someone you care about but they are a Vampire in your life. The Challenge begins here and you start to work that muscle memory of setting healthy boundaries. I will say that usually you don’t realize at first what is happening. The Ahhh Haaa moment comes from the realization that they only reach out when they want to talk about themselves or their life’s challenges. They rarely ask about you or they do at the very end of the convo. Then the big realization comes in that you don’t hear from them when their lives are moving along well. The phone calls to just chat don’t happen and then seem to disappear for some time. This is where you say Hmmmmm to yourself. You see there are the Givers and Takers in relationships and this is usually what happens. Maybe, your feelings are hurt, you are angry or feel sad that you thought you had a better relationship. Here is the move you need to make.
UNHEALTHY RESPONSES
1. Allow yourself to continue to be their speaking board
2. Become mentally exhausted by them
3. Sending the message you are here for them even though they are not for you
OR THE HEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS IS:
1. Set boundaries by limiting your conversations
2. Tell them how you feel and that you no longer can be an ear to listen
3. Explain to them that you give so much of your time to them but they don’t care to reciprocate the same for you
4. Have a constructive conversation of why you can no longer have them in your life.
I know this is not easy but is essential to maintain your own mental health and healthy boundaries. I would like to share one of the most difficult times in my life where it was self-preservation and I had to step away from a relationship. I had a BFF from High School. We were very close, even though there were miles between us. We were so happy when providers no longer were charging for long distance calls. This led to many marathon convos over the years. We both became moms and lead very busy lives but always had time for each other. Years passed and I began to realize that I was dodging her calls and answering her texts minimally. Without going into details, I had a big life event and she did not make an effort to be there for me. The friendship continued but I realized that all of the calls and texts were all about her. Me, Me, Me, texts and calls that were engrossed with her life and her issues and her problems. The kicker was I would get messages like, “You used to always pick up the phone or call me right back and now you don’t. I need to talk to you about what is going on.” I said out loud to an empty house when I heard this, NO! Right in that moment I realized how toxic they were to my life. How it was all about them and they really didn’t care about me. I explained my thoughts and feelings to them and how hurt I was. The answer was, “You mean to tell me that you are going to end 30 years of friendship over this?” The message I sent to my brain was, “Yes, I am because this is no longer a two way friendship, they are sucking me dry, they are disregarding my feelings and really only care about their needs.” People change and sometimes we can not move through life with them anymore on their personal journeys.
I will say, I still miss them and all of the great memories but I know that they are no longer the person I initially became friends with. Self-talk is crucial in the moments when you make the decision to end a toxic friendship, family relation etc. I will always be a helper in my life but not a doormat. Are you a doormat? Is there a person in your life that just does not add any value to your life? Let’s move into the toxic romantic relationships. Today, I have a wonderful relationship with my husband but boy did I kiss a lot of frogs before I found my Prince. If you are in a Toxic Relationship you have to ask yourself the most important question, “Who is more important to you. Yourself or the significant other? If you say Significant Other, then this blog is made for you. Also listen to
Episode 143 on the Podcast, Wide Open Spaces with Ilise. This is where we will talk deeply about codependence and unhealthy relationships. Ultimately, if you don’t put yourself first then you can not have a healthy relationship. Many of you might be stuck in a controlling relationship or are dealing with a manipulator. Vampires, biggest unhealthy strength is, by being a Manipulator. They are have mastered this skill and they completely drain you of life. Don’t ignore the signs, your gut and your initial reactions to their behaviors. Believe me, I know it is not easy to end these relationships and you might be stuck in a vicious circle. Getting together, breaking up, seperating and getting back together. It is mentally exhausting just typing this, so imagine how much these Vampires drain us of everything.
Message of this blog and my podcast is, don’t let them “Suck you dry, like a, G*ddamn, Vampire” This blog is only for you to gain insight into your behaviors, poor coping mechanisms and identifying toxic relationships in your life. This conversation should be continued at a deeper level with someone close to you or a professional in the field of Mental Health. I am just here to get the sparks ignited in your brain, to want to make healthier changes in your life and to not feel guilty about these decisions that you make. It’s time to put the stake through the heart of the vampire, metaphorically. Let your stake be your words and expressing yourself to this person in a way that eliminates the toxicity from your life. It’s all about communication, empowerment and living a healthier life connections with others. If you are feeling weak with the Vampire then go and listen to the lyrics of VAMPIRE by Olivia Rodrigo and I guarantee she will motivate you to want to make these changes in your life.
POSITIVE THOUGHTS CREATE POSITIVE ENERGY
GO OUT AND EXPLORE ALL OF THE WIDE OPEN SPACES IN YOUR LIFE
LISTEN AND EVOLVE WITH ME
CIAO
ILISE
